” If, when we were at our worst, we were put on friendly terms with God by the sacrificial death of his Son, now that we’re at our best, just think of how our lives will expand and deepen by means of his resurrection life! Now that we have actually received this amazing friendship with God, we are no longer content to simply say it in plodding prose. We sing and shout our praises to God through Jesus, the Messiah!” Romans 5:10-11 msg
This is going to be a difficult post but one that is totally and completely necessary for me to write. However, I know if I don’t write it I am not being completely transparent with you, and that wouldn’t be fair. I have written in the past about how I fell to the world when I was 13. Let me pause here and for those who haven’t read my post on Power of Accountability if you have time go back and read it by clicking the hyperlink. This blog will make more sense once you read it. https://enoughstrengthfortoday.wordpress.com/2011/06/13/the-power-of-accountability/ .
The summer I turned 14 my life got turned upside down. Me and my Mom moved to Pelham, Alabama where I started my freshman year of high school as the new kid. I didn’t know anyone, and being what I saw as a misfit all my life I didn’t fit in with the “in” crowd. I meet a group of misfit friends and my Christian walk ceased to exist shortly there after. One particular friend practiced Wicca, a form of witch-craft. (Please don’t run away here). Through this friends coaching I began practicing it myself. I was depressed, very alone, and grasping for anything that made me feel connected with anyone or anything. It all started by the words,” I could use Wicca to help God.”
How nieve I was that God even needed my help. Like God wasn’t big enough in my mind that I had to help Him. But my bold nieve statement quickly turned to me denying the existence of God, Jesus, and hell. My life became very dark and secretive, as I tried to hide practicing witch craft from my parents. My Mom knew, but didn’t know how to reach out to me. I got more lost every day that passed.
I stayed in that stated for a very long time, and into after I graduated from High School. The change started one day when I made the decision to go farther with my craft and dedicated myself completely to it. I went to perform the ritual of fasting and dedication. But I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t be devoted to it. Its was as if I felt God saying,” you can’t do this because I bought you so long ago.” I couldn’t finish what I started, and I didn’t. I just stopped. I wish I could say that was my return to Papa God moment but it wasn’t. It took a few more years. It was a gradual process for me. I felt I had messed up so bad, that Papa God wouldn’t want me back, and quite honestly I didn’t know how to get back to Him, or how to fix the damage I had done to myself through the years of witch-craft practice and through my addictions.
It wasn’t until my life crashed all around me and I became totally and completely broken and hopeless, that I turned to Papa God. I tried my best to please Him. I felt like I had to make amends to Him for every horrible thing I had done, and caused in my years of blatant disobedience. The problem was I couldn’t fix anything. In that realization, that was also a slow process, I got trampled by life again. I became nearly hopeless, but Papa God didn’t let me stay in the poor pitiful me very long.
He made it where I became completely dependent on Him. He showed me how to cling to Him. He showed me His love and discipline. He corrected me where I needed correction, and He held me when I needed to be held. Yes I still mess up, and no I don’t have all the answers. I do know that there has been a real change in my life. I know today that I am loved, and my past is gone, and I know that I can never mess up so much that Papa God won’t accept me back in His arms and forgive me if I truly ask for it.
Today it is not that I am afraid of the consequences of sinning again God. Today I am afraid of being separated from God by my sins. Thank Papa God for Him giving His Son Jesus Christ for me so that I may have life, and not the punishment of eternal death that I sinner deserve.
Enough Strength for Today 